SMART NEWS

Passive-Aggressive Snarks Own Wifi Networks

For wifi network owners, things are getting personal. Network names now replace stick it notes as the means of conveying passive-aggressive snarks to annoying neighbors. The BBC did a little digging and found the following gems floating about in local cyber space: “Stop Stealing My Paper!” begins one exchange, to which the reply taunts: “FYI, I Don’t […]

Rachel Nuwer

November 2, 2012

Photo: David Singleton

“Stop Stealing My Paper!” begins one exchange, to which the reply taunts: “FYI, I Don’t Read It I Just Throw It Away!”

“You’re music is annoying!” is followed by “Your grammar is more annoying!”

“Meat is Murder” alongside “Meat is delicious!!!” is another antagonistic exchange uploaded to image-hosting site Flickr.

Pet misbehaviour is addressed, with examples like “Shut The Barking Dog Up No 7″. Another expletive-laden name demands neighbours stop letting the cat use their lawn as a toilet.

Noisy neighbors tend to top the wifi complaint list. Some typical examples include:

“Stop slamming the door!!!”
“Stop wearing heels!”
“Shut up”
“Stop running”
“Stop shouting!”

“Shut it Shoreditch” complains one about the area of east London.“Stop using taps” is harder to interpret. Actual water taps, or tap-dancing shoes?

Sex, not surprisingly, tops the list of noise complaints. “We can hear you having sex,” reads the typical wifi accusation.

Some add a courtesy “btw” (by the way), as if mindful of not intruding, while others forego the implicit complaint and plaintively request “please stop”.

“My favourite a few years ago was ‘StopHavingSoMuchSex‘,” notes K_Alva on Reddit of one network. “Ironically, it was unprotected.”

The United Kingdom and Ireland aren’t alone in their wifi snarks, either. Curious New Yorker Alexandra Janelli created a website called wtfwifi.com that documents the most colorful network names she stumbles across on her prowls through Manhattan. The New Yorker reports:

Her site is a treasury of passive-aggressive messages to neighbors (Stop Cooking Indian!!!), self-promotion (FutureLawyersofCharlieSheen), flirtation (*~*~cOuGaRviLLe~*~*), and frustration (We can hear you having sex). Some of the names are poetry (Dumpling Manor, More Cowbell). Some of them are mere description (taco breath 2).

“The Lower East Side has funny ones”—for example, DieTrustFundersDie—“as opposed to uptown, where it will be much more like Robinson Family.

You also get, like, Empty Sighs and Wine,” evoking “the really lonely person on the Upper West Side.”

Janelli’s favorite name is one that she found in 2009, in the financial district: fat man on 7fl is douche.

Janelli invites readers to submit their own clever, poetic or passive aggressive network names on her site, where other users can comment and vote on the snarkiest network names to rule them all.