Last Page: The Wrath of Khan

Even IRS auditors will tremble in my presence

The first American to be able to claim descent from Genghis Khan has been discovered. He is Thomas R. Robinson, an associate professor of accounting at the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Fla. —The New York Times, June 6

Me, Tommy Robinson, accountant—a direct blood descendant of the mighty Genghis Khan, a.k.a. Temujin, born 1162, died 1227! I could never explain until now why I always wore Mom's big fur hat when I was a kid, or my strange attraction to charred meat, or why I named the family Chihuahua Genghy, but now it all becomes clear: it was that DNA pumping into my system from a thousand years ago!

No wonder I cruised right through every accounting course at the top of the class. I had to, to fulfill my destiny and become the modern-day Genghis Khan with an eyeshade and a calculator, the most feared chartered accountant the world has ever seen, the scourge of every H & R Block office! Even IRS auditors will tremble in my presence! I'll command whole vast armies of bookkeepers and notary publics and Quicken experts, and they'll have to hand over gifts—chickens, precious spices, Rolexes—and call me "Sire." I’ll show no mercy to those who resist buying my six-CD set on the Tom Robinson Road to Riches Home Double-Entry Accounting System, With Two Sets of Books.

Of course, riding a horse to work and to the mall—that'll be more difficult. And I'll have to find a felt tent to live in. Can you have a corner office in a felt tent? No "Mongols" listing in the Yellow Pages, so recruiting a horde of bloodthirsty CPAs with their own spears and clubs and hardy Mongolian ponies is going to be tricky. But that kind of stuff wouldn't stop G.K. in his quest to conquer the world, and it won't stop this full-blown cruel-yet-fearless descendant, either.

Ah, there's the phone: probably Anderson Cooper begging for an interview. Make a note to find a bearskin jerkin, one of those horned helmets, big fur boots; gotta look Khan-like on TV.

DNA tests have furnished a double surprise for Thomas R. Robinson, an associate professor of accounting at the University of Miami. The first was being told he was descended from Genghis Khan. The second was learning last week that the first test was wrong. —The New York Times, June 21

Well, that was interesting. "Some kind of mix-up"..."We're as shocked as you are"..."DNA evidence isn’t foolproof." Sure, right. The honest truth is, I was half-expecting that phone call. So I'm not descended from Genghis Khan. I suspected it all along, because (a) I could never bring myself to write "Overdue" or "Please!" on clients' bills, and (b) I have to admit it, I let IRS auditors win—even when they're wrong—rather than argue with them. Plus which, this practice of mine is going along just fine; no need to go out and conquer the accounting world—which by the way would mean leaving the wife and kids for weeks at a time while I was off looting and pillaging and burning things down. So no thanks. And one last thing:

I can multiply two sets of ten-digit numbers in my head. Bet Mister Big Shot Genghis Khan couldn't do that.

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