Last Call

Hang-ups are an occupational hazard

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Your call is important to us. Please hold, and an operator will be with you shortly. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Your call is important to us. No, really. Calls like yours keep us in business! Please hold, and an operator will be with you as soon as possible. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance.

Your call is important to us. I know what you're thinking—if my call is so important, why isn't anybody answering? I have no idea. My job is just to record these messages. But please be patient. Don't hang up.

Your call is important to us. It's especially important to me, an underemployed actor who records these messages. If you hang up, they might hire someone else to tell you how important your call is. I live in fear of being outsourced or replaced by a machine. So please hold for the next available operator.

Your call is—Stop! Don't hang up. Please. I'm telling you, hang up and you could get me fired. Don't force me back to doing telemarketing and phone sex.

Your call is important to us. Dial-A-Psychic won't take me back. I had a bad day and predicted disfigurement or unemployment for everyone who called in. Did you know there's a Dial-A-Psychic blacklist? But I've learned my lesson, and I'm trying to pull myself back up again. Don't be the one who ruins it for me. Please hold.

Your call is important to us. My parole officer says this is my last chance, this piecework for a faceless corporation. Nobody's listening. Nobody cares. Do you really think I could get away with talking like this if they were actually monitoring the calls?

Your call is important to us. Vitally important. Precious, in fact. I need your call. I need you to hold. Do you hear me?—I need you to hold.

Your call is so important. You have no idea. I've been feeling very fragile lately. I've been through a lot. Abuse of every kind, physical, mental, metaphysical. Alcohol, prescription drugs, credit cards, West Nile. I've been blackballed at every casino in Nevada. My library card was revoked. I have nothing to live for, except your call—unless I get that gig recording voice mail announcements.

Your call is important to us. Thank you for your call. We are open between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. daily, Monday through Friday. If you are hearing this message, it means we are closed for business. Please call back during regular business hours. Your call is important to us.


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