Hugs and Kisses from the IRS

A kinder, gentler tax form is on the way

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"There is no excuse for rude treatment by IRS personnel. They are on the public payroll, and their job is to serve the public."
—U.S. Senator Jim Jeffords (I-Vermont), member, Senate Finance Committee

Stung by criticism about poor service, the Internal Revenue Service is determined as never before to win the hearts and minds of ordinary taxpayers. So the agency is revamping its most commonly used form, the 1040 EZ, to be more sensitive. Below is a prototype—the 1040 Project Uplift, Healing & Love Esteem EZ, or PUH-LEEZ.

Name: __________
Address: __________
Social Security number: __________
Favorite color: __________

Attach W-2 forms here, and requests for U2 tickets.
Total wages, salaries and tips: __________
Total wages, salaries and tips you deserved: __________

Use this form if:
a) You are a U.S. citizen;
b) Your taxable income was over $17,500 and under $100,000;
c) You enjoy sharing with people who won’t judge you.

(Helpful IRS Hint: Are you overweight? Hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. Try eating six or seven small meals a day instead of two or three big ones. You'll eat less, feel better and probably pay less tax.)

Please check the appropriate box:
Are you single? Yes___No___
Do you want to be single? Yes___No___
Do you tell people "I'm fine alone," but inside it hurts real bad? Yes___No___

(Helpful IRS Hint: Forget the bar scene. A great place to meet a future spouse is at adult education courses, a house of worship or a tax seminar. Why not include a recent photo with your tax return? Maybe we can help. After all, we know everybody.)

Are you married? Yes___No___
Do you "keep score" in your marriage? Yes___No___
Do you tell people "I'm fine with my marriage," but inside it hurts real bad? Yes___No___

Draw a picture of what you're thinking about right now. Use watercolors, acrylics, crayons—just express yourself. Don't be afraid to incorporate unicorns and rainbows.

How much money you earn tells us so little about you. Please share:

a) Do you know the difference between pinot noir and pinot grigio?

b) Could you spell pinot grigio if it weren’t already spelled right here for you?

c) Is Linkin Park a person or a place?

d) Are you still living with your parents?

e) Do you wear a goatee?

f) Isn't it time to shave it off?

g) Can you name the commanders of the Army of the Potomac?

h) Which one was known as Old Fuss and Feathers?

i) Are you rooting for Brad and Jen to get back together?

j) Can you spot the trick question?

k) Were you shocked that in the movie Alexander, Angelina Jolie played the conqueror's mother?

l) Have you ever been aboard a UFO?

m) If so, did anything "funny" happen?

n) Is Pilates a person or an overpriced exercise routine?

Essay Section: Write about your hopes and dreams for all the taxes you paid. Don't be a sorehead!

Coming soon, because we care:

  • Free shuttle when your car is in the shop.
  • Daily affirmation e-mail.
  • Nightly turndown service.
  • Spa/audit packages. Either way, you'll be scrubbed.
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