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RedditWashington, D.C., July 4, 2509: The General Services Administration today announced completion of an exact replica of the United States' Capitol building—designed from C-SPAN videos that recorded debate in both houses of Congress in the early years of the 21st century.
The grounds surrounding the Capitol have also been faithfully reproduced. There are bushes, which were beaten around, and a row of haystacks in which members of Congress used to look for needles. The driveway is paved with stones, none of which was unturned, and there are three bandwagons in front of the building upon which they frequently climbed. There are no fewer than seven flagpoles for the running up of ideas.
There are slippery slopes and level playing fields to accommodate whole new ballgames. Directly in back of the building is a lake from which the tips of icebergs protrude, and anchored there is a ship named Titanic, whose deck chairs can be rearranged.
Several handsome doors, which were always open and upon which opportunity tended to knock, lead to the restored Capitol's interior. Near the entrance sits a small waiting room for ideas whose time had come. The first floor also contains a gymnasium where lawmakers could exercise their prerogatives and a pediatrics ward for the babies that were thrown out with the bath water.
The kitchen features a large bakery, where the ancient solons prepared half loaves that were better than none, pies in the sky and cake that they could have and eat too. There's an abundant supply of salt, which lawmakers often took grains of, and pans that once held flashes. An oversized pantry accommodates hundreds of pork barrels. A huge butcher block was used to trim fat from the federal budget, which was sometimes cut to the bone. Geese were frequently cooked here.
An attached barn is a veritable Noah's ark of busy beavers, proud peacocks, sly foxes, mad wet hens, gored oxen, slow-paced snails and ducks (some sitting, some dead, some with water running off their backs). The video debates indicate that the most common animal of all was the bull, which was taken by the horns before it was loosed in the china shop, where it had a tendency to defecate, about which lawmakers often exclaimed. Pigs were kept in a poke.
The stable housed horses—some of a different color—with carts before them. Some of these animals were changed in midstream, and there were even dead horses that, sadly, appeared to have been beaten. Spurs of the moment hang throughout the stable. Although there is a separate room for one lone 800-pound gorilla, it was rarely mentioned. The kennel housed many old dogs, some that wouldn't hunt and others that couldn't be taught new tricks. If sleeping, the dogs were allowed to lie—unless they barked up the wrong tree. A special holding pen was reserved for "Blue Dogs," a breed that went extinct long ago.
The basement storage area includes shelf upon shelf of Pandora's boxes, both opened and unopened, and many cans of worms. There's a grindstone to which noses were put and bins of brass tacks.
From his office directly across the street from the restored Capitol, Speaker of the House Maxim Bromide said that making such good use of the videos was a stroke of genius. "From time immemorial," he went on, "our nation's legislators have had a way with words and always managed to hit the nail on the head. It's high time we preserve this national treasure. Nothing succeeds like success..."
William Ecenbarger is a freelance journalist who lives in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Comments
Fantastic! Absolutely brilliant writing. Loved it and sent the link to many others. Thanks for your humor and insights!
Posted by White Crow on June 22,2009 | 02:00PM
This made me laugh myself silly last night when I read it from the magazine. I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time.
Posted by Tim on June 23,2009 | 07:38AM
This is worth framing. Thanks Mr. Ecenbarger.
Posted by Ruth Nelson on June 24,2009 | 07:22AM
Great piece of writing. I also sent it around. One person noticed that left out were the ducks that were lame.
Posted by Dave Karin on June 24,2009 | 09:27AM
You forgot the mention the elephants; both the white variety and the often ignored one in the room. Although cows were mentioned, not included were the ones sacred and ones being fatted. Fish were prominently missing, from the ones that got away to the proverbial one you can catch that would allow a man to eat for a lifetime if only they had been taught how to fish. An aviary was also missing that could have held eagles whose eyes many legislators aspired to emulate, turkeys whose characteristics were often attributed to debate opponents, and albatrosses that often served as pendants and necklaces.
Posted by Stops and Stares on June 24,2009 | 11:48AM
Wonderful - and good enough to send to our book club friends.
Posted by Wanda Putnam on June 25,2009 | 02:08PM
This is classic. Hilarious! If it wasn't so true though. I'm gonna cry now.
Excuse me...
Posted by Mark Teller on June 26,2009 | 12:46PM
Simply superb satire! Of course the bakery also produced lots of half-baked ideas. The spice rack contained the politicians' favorite -- ground gerrymander. But it would be impossible to include everything!
Posted by Bill Clarkson on June 28,2009 | 03:48PM
Superb piece of satire! I'm sharing it with all the people who used to whup Ecenbarger on the tennis court every Sunday eve -- regardless of whose ox was being gored, whose sacred cow was sacrificed, whose elephant was in the room, or whose donkey was in a sling. -Norval
Posted by Norval Reece on July 1,2009 | 10:36AM
One of the most clever pieces of writing I've come across in a while! And I'm sure that, if more time and space, he'd have mentioned all those soap boxes that were scattered about the Capitol, too! Thanks for giving us a great big smile, Mr. Ecenbarger...absolutely loved it and am passing it around to the www.GeorgeQPublic.blogspot.com list!
Posted by George Mihaiu on July 1,2009 | 06:14PM
Nearly fell out of bed laughing while reading this last night and have enjoyed substituting various government agencies that I personally interact with routinely at State level for the Capitol Building. So painfully accurate, outstanding satire. I plan to frame a copy for those days I am banging my own head on the wall in utter frustration.
Thank you for a moment of wonderful comic relief.
Posted by Debbie Kahn on July 8,2009 | 02:01PM
Don't you think Mark Twain is grinnin' now! BRAVO!!!
Posted by Phyllis Petras on July 9,2009 | 07:34PM
I know there were horses of a different color, but what about the dark horses?
George Bernard Shaw said, "When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth." These are not hidden ... all to obvious.
Posted by John Chancellor on July 12,2009 | 11:17AM
I must say this is one of the funniest, richest articles I have read recently. What amazes me is Mr. Ecenbarger's fluid flow throughout the entire article of nothing more than idioms/cliches. It is genius! I can not wait to share this with my 6-8 grade English and Social Studies teachers to use as an outstanding literary model...voice, audience, genre, smooth transitions, literay devices, clear ideas, allusions, primary vs. secondary sources(C-span),and so much more.
Posted by Amelie Cromer on July 12,2009 | 01:20PM
I am only so sorry that Molly Ivins is no longer around to share this with. She would have hooted her frizzed red hair right off of her too tall Jones' head. Loved it. Write more, please. Casey Criste
Posted by Casey Criste on July 15,2009 | 02:20PM
How refreshing to read something that is witty, unique and something that can be sent to all friends whether Democrat or Republican. Thanks Mr. Ecenbarger.
Posted by Suzanne Green on July 18,2009 | 09:17AM
Congress has suffered a direct hit right where it hurts most, on the funny bone,
Posted by Judy Gray on July 20,2009 | 09:18AM
If you wander outside on your visit, look out for those snakes in the grass and the dogs that won't hunt. Excellent writing! Mucho thanks....
Posted by george milne on July 28,2009 | 04:18PM
Has a copy been sent to those who need it the most?
Posted by ken on July 30,2009 | 04:13PM
I thoroughly enjoyed your article, in the July issue of Smithsonian. It was "right up my alley" so to speak. I have shared it with many friends.
Thank you,
Barb Gorman
Posted by Barbara Gorman on August 14,2009 | 11:53AM
This has to be among the funniest articles I've ever read. I couldn't get through it without Kleenix to daub my blurry eyes 5 or six times. Thank you Mr Ecenbarger!
Posted by Don on September 18,2009 | 04:46PM
Well put, sir!
But as my new wife often says, "I have no dog to grind."
This piece is like robbing a convenience store: "In, out, nobody hurt." That's what SHE says, anyway, when it's done right. But without an axe to grind, and no dog in that fight, I'm sitting on the fence.
It's not rocket surgery! But CLOSE!
Posted by Ric von Hwang Wei-Ba on September 27,2009 | 11:10AM
Excellent. Perhaps among those sitting ducks were a few that were lame.
Posted by Paul L. on November 9,2009 | 04:16AM