Do Not Go Gentle
The feisty man's guide to aging anything but gracefully
- By Roy Rowan
- Smithsonian magazine, April 2009, Subscribe
She was so pretty, her face etched in sadness peering out the window of the bus. I guess my admiring stare caught her by surprise, because suddenly her face brightened, she stood up and offered me her seat.
"Really, do I look that old and tottery?" I thought. No woman had ever done that before. And why should they? My barber tells me my hair is thicker than most guys half my age. Even my kids believe I'm still sharp enough to conquer all the electronic equipment they give me for Christmas. And it wasn't that long ago that these two legs I'm standing on carried me through all twenty-six miles, three hundred and eighty-five yards of the New York City Marathon.
"Please," the young woman said, smiling and pointing to her vacated seat. Not a sexy come-hither smile, but a benign half-smile reserved for men rendered harmless by their advanced years. Again I thought, "Do I really look so non-threatening? How would she have reacted if I had said, 'Thanks, but why don't we get off this rattletrap and go have a drink?'"
Was it pride or plain stubbornness that kept me from accepting the proffered bus seat? Perhaps there's a more subconscious reason: a need to stand up for older age as a vibrant and productive time of life. So many of my contemporaries have given up and let themselves disintegrate during what they facetiously call their "golden years." And for some reason they seem to take pride in enumerating their ailments in what some wag called "organ recitals."
"Why don't you slow down and enjoy life?" friends keep asking. "Actually, I have," I tell them. "I walk instead of jogging, write articles without crushing deadlines and delight in spending hours sprawled on the floor letting my 8-year-old grandson teach me how to build towering structures with his Legos." But as for enjoying life, those well-meaning friends don't understand that for me, it's a matter of doing the things I've always done. More slowly, for sure, but more thoughtfully too, often mixing reminiscences with the job at hand.
My heroes are the two Pablos—Picasso and Casals—who pursued their painting and cello-playing well into their 90s; not the corporate titans whose golden parachutes landed them safely inside gated communities for unbroken days of golf, bridge and sunsets seen through a martini glass. Or voluntarily inhabit one of the 36,000 retirement communities with bucolic names like Sterling Glen, Pleasant Valley and Meadow Ridge. "Live the dream, an uncompromising lifestyle awaits you," one of their promotions promises. As far as I'm concerned, they can keep on waiting.
I still wonder why that young woman gave up her seat. It's not as if our bodies bear visible proof of our years like a tree's cambial rings or a male elk's antlers. And I'm not convinced that I really am all that old. I take heart in clichés such as "age is only a number" (my wife's, by the way, is unlisted). Of course, down deep I know our biological clocks keep ticking. Even so I'd like to think that ageless philosopher Satchel Paige had it right when he asked, "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?"
Roy Rowan is writing a book about making the most of old age.
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Comments (7)
I kind of agree with Miriam. The young woman was just being polite and the author sound a little sexually possessive there. (Which isn't an age issue, just a male issue.)
I'd like to see the author's reaction if a woman his age tried to flirt and ask him out---would age be such a nonissue then?
Posted by E. on November 20,2009 | 02:35 PM
Unfortunately, you are as alod as you look. They might give you a seat but they'll never offer a job, in spite of how old I feel
Posted by Robbie Jaines on May 8,2009 | 04:10 PM
I stumbled this just now.
This is so funny and so sensitive. I can imagine it from the other perspective. She probably figured you looked as if you'd like a seat. I wouldn't have bothered to give you mine even if you looked like you were ten minutes from death. Good to know that passes for considerate with some!
Posted by lonnie on April 21,2009 | 11:27 PM
Oh please don't encourage old and elderly men to go "feisty" into that good night. It's disturbing to young women than having to humor the ogling and flirtation of men their father's or, in this case, grandfather's age. Age gracefully, stop hitting on women younger than your kids. Why not turn your eyes to women in your own age group? They will be much, much more flattered and might want to get that drink.
Posted by Miriam on April 10,2009 | 09:43 AM
I am a nurse practitioner and working on my PhD. My focus is on health promotion and successful aging. I loved Mr. Rowan's piece as well as the comments posted here. This generation and the upcoming baby boomers are yet again rewriting history for the rest of us. Betty Friedan wrote a wonderful book, The Fountain of Age, which helped me truly understand that we age every day (no matter how old we are)and that what really matters is that we continue to learn and to challenge ourselves as best we can. I have to say I especially loved the Satchel Paige quote at the end of Mr. Rowan's column and look forward to his forthcoming book.
Posted by Anne-Marie O'Brien on April 1,2009 | 01:03 AM
Word! The only question I have is why didn't you ask her? You might have gotten another story out of it to pay for the spousal disapproval. I would have read it. A woman giving a seat to a man? What kind of role reversal is that? Tell me the story! I have never aspired to be useless ie. retire and since I involuntarily did so recently I am starting my fourth consulting business to pay for all the pro bono stuff us "Golden Agers" get asked to do. "After all you have to do something." Sure. J'Carlin
Posted by Carlin Black on March 29,2009 | 04:28 PM
Without ever having met Roy Rowan, I feel like I have been following his script. Of course I am eight years younger but even so - his philosophy works for me. I am too poor to retire but I also still love to work and because of the way our world has changed I am now on my 20th or 21st career. After starting out in life as a chemical engineer doing applied research, and next designing oil refineries and petrochemical plants, I later spent 12 years developing a translation program for PCs and now I translate and interpret in 5 different languages. My favorite hobby is hummingbird photography and next month my wife and I are moving to the Panama Republic, so I can spend more time on finding ways of protecting their habitat. But of course I am only 80 and not yet old enough for anybody to give up their seat for me. And fortunately I don't need such consideration, as I walk at least 2 1/2 miles every day.
Posted by Ralph Dessau on March 26,2009 | 02:03 AM
More slowly, for sure, but more thoughtfully too, often mixing reminiscences with the job at hand.
I think that is the key. The normal human pace retirement allows clairfies many things and allows one to use experience. The pace for most today allows little time for reflection and a fly by the seat of your pants mentality that may have led to many of the economic problems we face today. If we could all be Benjamin Button.
I never realized age discrimation until I semi-retired. And in Chicago, I have never had someone offer me a seat. Only in Beijing has it ever happened.
Satchel was right in many ways. And thank you for grandchildren who always love to see you and don't know the word old yet.
Posted by John Leland on March 20,2009 | 01:36 PM