So Where You From?
Why must a foreign accent always invite an inquisition?
- By Iva R. Skoch
- Smithsonian magazine, September 2010, Subscribe
Americans are so nice. It’s a shame, really. It wouldn’t be so bad if nice people didn’t like small talk so much, but they seem to love it. If you’re an immigrant with an accent, as I am, your days will be filled with conversations with nice people.
It goes like this: I utter a simple “thank you” to a grocery store cashier, prompting an immediate “Where are you from?” “Czech Republic,” I say. “Really? My aunt went to Russia last year,” she responds. What do I say to that? Do I go with the pointless, “That’s nice” and beat a hasty retreat? Or do I say what I’m actually thinking: “What does that have to do with anything?” But that’s rude. I try not to be rude—partly because I am an immigrant here (and there are few things more insufferable than ungrateful immigrants) and partly because being nice is contagious. I usually opt for the pointless.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t quite become a nice person. I often long for the rude anonymity of Europe. Back in 2000, when I was “fresh off the boat,” as the not-so-nice folks say, I worked on the 24th floor of an office building in Seattle. How I dreaded those long 9 a.m. elevator rides. They were filled with the nicest people you’ll ever meet. To make matters worse, they had all just spent an hour cooped up alone in their cars and were just dying to talk. “Could you press 24 for me, please?” I ask an elderly man. “Do I detect an accent?” he asks, all proud of himself. “Where are you from?”
Here we go. “Czech Republic,” I say. “Ah, Czechoslovakia,” he says. “It’s actually the Czech Republic now,” I explain politely. “The country split up in 1993.” Undeterred, he continues, “My friend’s grandfather was from Czechoslovakia.” “That’s nice,” I say and watch the elevator stop on the fifth and sixth floors. Please, I beg quietly, don’t let him ask any more questions.
“So what brings you here?” he, of course, asks. “My husband is American,” I say, knowing what’s coming next. “What does your husband do?” “He is a lawyer. Don’t hold it against me,” I say, trying to soften the blow, since even nice people love to hate lawyers. It also buys time. He chuckles for a floor or two. “How long have you been here?” he asks. “Just a year,” I respond. “Well, your English is fantastic,” he says. And this, I must admit, is very nice to hear. “Thank you,” I say—but what I’m thinking is: “Clearly, it isn’t fantastic enough to allow me to be anonymous.”
He gets out on the 18th floor. Now it’s only me and three other people, with six floors still to go. “Where do you live in Seattle?” a young woman asks. “Belltown,” I say. “No way! Me too,” she exclaims. “What building?”
I’ve just told a group of complete strangers where I’m from, what got me here, how long I’ve been here, my husband’s occupation and where I live. Now they want me to reveal my address. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t feel comfortable telling you that.”
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” she says, stiffly. “You didn’t,” I assure her. Finally, there is silence. But it isn’t the anonymous silence I grew up with in Europe. Why do nice people have to ruin everything?
Iva R. Skoch is writing a book about crashing weddings around the world. She now lives in New York City.
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Comments (65)
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Thank you for sharing this story. I really enjoyed reading it! I am an accent reduction specialist located in mid-town New York and this is a story similar to ones I hear from my non-native clients. They just want to go about their day and not have anybody ask them where they are from!
Posted by Susan Sankin on April 24,2013 | 01:16 PM
You don't even have to be an immigrant for that to happen. You just have to be a visible minority and they will pop the question.
Posted by deel on January 29,2013 | 10:44 PM
My two cents, it's great to be curious, yes. Probably not one person would think twice about it if that would be it. Where are you from? Say a place and call it a day. No more questions. But it seems that no one stops there. If you do get to be asked this question every time you meet someone new then it becomes extremely annoying. Strangers get to ask questions not even good friends sometimes would. They just don't shy away from anything. So really? Europe, huh? What part? Who did you come with? When? How? How long ago? How old were you? (At this point they already know my age and I am not completely comfortable with that) Any family members? Did you speak any English before yo came here? How did you learn? Who did you live with? Oh why did you move to a different city? Where do you work? Does anyone speak your language at your work? Do you go back to your country? How often? When was the last time? etc., etc. Maybe it's just my fault for not knowing how to tell people to back off from a personal space. Or is there such a thing?
Posted by Katherine on October 18,2012 | 04:54 AM
Your story is amazing!!! Thanks so much for sharing it. I got sick of Americans asking me about my accent to the point when I just wanna say somthing totally crazy. I wish to find the best way to get rid of it and all these stupid questions.
Posted by Anna on August 4,2012 | 10:51 PM
The biggest problem is that the questions never seem to end. My husband has been here for 35 years, served in the military here, saw friends killed for this country and almost died himself in service to this country. He considers himself American. But even after 35 years, he still gets asked almost every time he meets someone new where he is from, how long he's been here, why did he come to this country, why hasn't he gone back. So, it's not really like the college kid being asked about his major. At some point the kid graduates and no longer gets asked those questions.
If someone touches you once in one spot it won't necessarily bother you. But if people keep touching the same spot over and over, that spot is likely to get sore.
Posted by Helen on March 23,2011 | 08:26 PM
When I go abroad (including the US) my face and my accent still seem to confuse people as my looks dont quite fit into my strong Yorkshire accent. Yet I take no offence in being asked where I'm from, why should I? Unless the person is being completely ignorant or just plain rude I dont believe there is any harm with people being interested in who you are, it means they are prepared to listen and even learn something rather than make assumptions based on the colour of your skin, your gender, your accent or even if you have tattoos etc.
Being from Yorkshire I'm used to talking openly to strangers as the more North in England you go, the nicer the people you will meet! I think Iva should be grateful that people are taking the time to ask her where shes from, yes it can go on for quite a bit but usually when a person tells you for example that they ate in a lovely Czech restaurant the other day or something to that effect! They are most likely just trying to make a connection so that you seem like less of a stranger!
I was born and raised in West Yorkshire, England and I am Indian, I love my heritage and I also love where I was born, sometimes it takes more than an accent to really know someone. I doesn't bother me that people want to know things about me even though I get asked about how to make a good curry all the time!! lol.
Posted by DesiBrit on March 1,2011 | 07:32 AM
Best answer to that is ,"From past many years(City name where you live in US)is home".or if someone is asking rudely or arrogantly u can say that:"its for me to know and for you to find out".its mostly curiosity,but a self respect limit should be always there.if people can become actor & governor like Arnold Schwazenager then u shoul never think of yourself less in anyway from any one.if you can speak 2 languages with one of them with an accent u still have more knowledge than a person speaking one language with no accent.America is great country and people are nice and supportive,and mostly they are just trying to connect with you by saying oh my aunt ate chiken soup from the same country you were born.America is Land of Immigrants,officially and un-officially.
Posted by Izhar on February 9,2011 | 10:08 PM
I think the article reflects the reality. I've been living in the US for eleven years, and encounter with this phenomenon all the time. I've a thick Russian accent, and as soon as I open my mouth, the next question is "where are you from". It's both good and bad, depending on the situation. It's serves a good reason to engage in a conversation. But sometimes it's simply annoying.
Posted by Evgeni Stavinov on January 26,2011 | 01:21 AM
I completley disagree with this article. First and for most. Not every American can pick out all the different kinds of accents around the world. Thats why people ask "Where you from?", second of all, People from a foreign country shouldn't be offended by that question or any question relating to them. Its a frequent question asked among regular Americans as well. For example, what are the 3 main questions that college students ask other college students? 1). Where you from? (OMG! Schocking!). 2) Whats your major? 3) What dorm you in? Those are alwasy the questions asked and asked again. You don't hear college students complaining. People ask questions and when they hear an answer, they want to further the conversation by relating the answer to something in (the person who's asking the questions) life. This article is completley one sided. If the author is going to complain about Americans, do it about something that's actually offensive, such as racism. If you want to be mad at Americans. Fine be mad about thier curiosity, but dont be mad at the fact that we are nice. The example people in this article didn't do anything to that female to show that they were offending her. Its natural for humans to be curious, it's in our genes! Plus being foriegn in itself is pretty cool. How many people in America will actually travel out of America? Not many, so being a pure foriegn person in itself is unique (unique is a good thing by the way) think about it, you came from a whole other country. A country that has a rich background tradition etc etc. And you can't figure out why people are curious? I can and should go on, but i wont. I just think this article is completley 1 sided and that the female in the article should be glad for the attention.
Posted by Dustin on January 24,2011 | 04:37 PM
How does this sound: "I love your accent! Where are you from? Germany? My best friend came from Germany and she made the best potato salad". Guess how often I was told this in the last 50 years of my life in this country. Should I answer 'I love your southern drawl, where are you from?' which I have and it did the trick.
Posted by Waltraud on January 20,2011 | 03:19 PM
When someone takes an interest in me I am almost always flattered. Why is it that so many follow the 'worldly' attitude that in order to be sophisticated one must 'act' as if they are too busy, aloof, important...whatever (fill in the blank!?)..." to speak to a someone? I am very interested in people and Love to talk to strangers and learn as much as I can about how other people live. If everyone had this attitude in this world where most seem to worship ugly and cold pretentious traditions and so many are so afraid of so many others, I would think that any and every thinking, caring and progressive person would encourage and do everything in their power to start dialogue and influence as many and all others as posible, especially the editors of Smithsonian (WHY DID YOU PUBLISH SO SARCATIC AN CYNICAL A COLUMN BY THIS AUTHOR-ONE THING WE DON'T NEED IS MORE SARCASM AND CYNICISM-ESPECIALLY IN SMITHSONIAN, AND HARDLY AN EDUCATIONAL COLUMN AT THAT! e all know how hard and cold; how cool and untouchable, ect., ect., that the so many in the media and society act as if this is acceptable and normal, but if we don't start a little neighborly love starting with the "neighbor-person next to us, well, we know where the world is headed.
No this is not an extreme reaction to an amusing little ancedote/ column, attitudes presented by "institutions" like Smithsonian have power. Use it to bring people together, not to excuse and further their hardness and coldness.
Posted by David on January 15,2011 | 09:28 PM
This is how I felt when I moved from upstate New York to the South years ago. I thought everyone was very nosy, but realized later they were just friendly (well, probably nosy, too!).
However, I assure you that there are people who won't try to play 20 questions with you. I would be as silent as a stalk if I rode in an elevator with you and if I encountered you in a checkout line, I wouldn't ask you questions, either.
There ought to be a universal hand signal for "please stop talking to me, I prefer not to converse." Imagine all the places you'd like to be able to use such a tool! Airplane would probably be #1, although I am the queen of nonverbal body language to convey "I don't want to talk" on planes.
Posted by Jezebel on January 11,2011 | 03:31 PM
Sounds extremely familiar -- except that I'm an American living in Germany. I've had countless of these elevator conversations since moving here 2+ years ago, and they also usually involve mild surprise that an American can speak German and some colorful political commentary as well. Anyway, my point is, it's not necessarily only an American trait to make such "friendly inquiries"!
Posted by Mandi on January 4,2011 | 03:38 PM
I am constantly being asked, "What am I." Which I think is very rude. I want to say "human," w/o being rude. But sometimes rude questions deserve rude answers.
I live in a predominantly Chinese community in San Francisco, so if you have light skin and smallish eyes, everyone presumes you are Chinese. (Which btw I am not. I am a Filipino, born in America, with a "smidgen of Manchurian/Tibetan, and alot more East Indian"). I identify as a Filipino though b/c that's all I know.
One white lady asked another lady "Where her name came from." The sales lady replied, "I'm mongolian." The white lady responded "Is that China?"
I don't know sometimes...Is it ignorance or just stupidity.
Posted by Sher on December 4,2010 | 03:17 PM
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