The Surprising Satisfactions of a Home Funeral

When his father and father-in-law died within days of each other, author Max Alexander learned much about the funeral industry

  • By Max Alexander
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Bob Baldwin and Jim Alexander
All in the family (Bob Baldwin (left: c. 1965) and Jim Alexander (right: c. 1960) led different lives-with very different endings. (Max Alexander Collection)

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Two funerals, two days apart, two grandfathers of my two sons. When my father and father-in-law died in the space of 17 days in late 2007, there wasn't a lot of time to ruminate on the meaning of it all. My wife, Sarah, and I were pretty busy booking churches, consulting priests, filing newspaper notices, writing eulogies, hiring musicians, arranging military honor guards and sorting reams of paperwork (bureaucracy outlives us all), to say nothing of having to wrangle last-minute plane tickets a week before Christmas. But all that was a sideshow. Mostly we had to deal with a couple of cold bodies.

In life both men had been devout Catholics, but one was a politically conservative advertising man, the other a left-wing journalist; you'll have to trust me that they liked each other. One was buried, one was cremated. One was embalmed, one wasn't. One had a typical American funeral-home cotillion; one was laid out at home in a homemade coffin. I could tell you that sorting out the details of these two dead fathers taught me a lot about life, which is true. But what I really want to share is that dead bodies are perfectly OK to be around, for a while.

I suppose people whose loved ones are missing in action or lost at sea might envy the rest of us, for whom death typically leaves a corpse, or in the polite language of funeral directors, "the remains." Yet for all our desire to possess this tangible evidence of a life once lived, we've become oddly squeamish about our dead. We pay an average of $6,500 for a funeral, not including cemetery costs, in part so we don't have to deal with the physical reality of death. That's 13 percent of the median American family's annual income.

Most people in the world don't spend 13 percent of anything on dead bodies, even once in a while. How we Westerners have arrived at this state is a long story—you can start with the Civil War, which is when modern embalming was developed—but the story is changing.

A movement toward home after-death care has convinced thousands of Americans to deal with their own dead. A nonprofit organization called Crossings (www.crossings.net) maintains that besides saving lots of money, home after-death care is greener than traditional burials—bodies pumped full of carcinogenic chemicals, laid in metal coffins in concrete vaults under chemically fertilized lawns—which mock the biblical concept of "dust to dust." Cremating an unembalmed body (or burying it in real dirt) would seem obviously less costly and more eco-friendly. But more significant, according to advocates, home after-death care is also more meaningful for the living.

I wasn't sure exactly why that would be, but Sarah, her sisters and their mother were intrigued. Bob, her dad (he was the left-wing journalist), had brain cancer and was nearing the end. In hospice care at his home in Maine near our own, he wasn't able to participate in the conversations about his funeral, but earlier he had made it clear that he didn't want a lot of money spent on it.

Sarah hooked up with a local support group for home after-death care. We watched a documentary film called A Family Undertaking, which profiles several home funerals around the country. I was especially moved by the South Dakota ranch family preparing for the death of their 90-year-old patriarch, probably because they did not fit my preconception of home-funeral devotees as granola-crunching Berkeley grads.

So a few weeks before Bob died, my 15-year-old son, Harper, and I made a coffin out of plywood and deck screws from Home Depot. I know that sounds cheesy, but it was nice hardwood veneer, and we applied a veneer edging for a finished look. I could have followed any number of plans from the Internet, but in the end I decided to wing it with my own design. We routed rabbet joints for a tight construction.

"I guess we wouldn't want him falling out the bottom," Harper said.

"That would reflect poorly on our carpentry skills," I agreed.


Two funerals, two days apart, two grandfathers of my two sons. When my father and father-in-law died in the space of 17 days in late 2007, there wasn't a lot of time to ruminate on the meaning of it all. My wife, Sarah, and I were pretty busy booking churches, consulting priests, filing newspaper notices, writing eulogies, hiring musicians, arranging military honor guards and sorting reams of paperwork (bureaucracy outlives us all), to say nothing of having to wrangle last-minute plane tickets a week before Christmas. But all that was a sideshow. Mostly we had to deal with a couple of cold bodies.

In life both men had been devout Catholics, but one was a politically conservative advertising man, the other a left-wing journalist; you'll have to trust me that they liked each other. One was buried, one was cremated. One was embalmed, one wasn't. One had a typical American funeral-home cotillion; one was laid out at home in a homemade coffin. I could tell you that sorting out the details of these two dead fathers taught me a lot about life, which is true. But what I really want to share is that dead bodies are perfectly OK to be around, for a while.

I suppose people whose loved ones are missing in action or lost at sea might envy the rest of us, for whom death typically leaves a corpse, or in the polite language of funeral directors, "the remains." Yet for all our desire to possess this tangible evidence of a life once lived, we've become oddly squeamish about our dead. We pay an average of $6,500 for a funeral, not including cemetery costs, in part so we don't have to deal with the physical reality of death. That's 13 percent of the median American family's annual income.

Most people in the world don't spend 13 percent of anything on dead bodies, even once in a while. How we Westerners have arrived at this state is a long story—you can start with the Civil War, which is when modern embalming was developed—but the story is changing.

A movement toward home after-death care has convinced thousands of Americans to deal with their own dead. A nonprofit organization called Crossings (www.crossings.net) maintains that besides saving lots of money, home after-death care is greener than traditional burials—bodies pumped full of carcinogenic chemicals, laid in metal coffins in concrete vaults under chemically fertilized lawns—which mock the biblical concept of "dust to dust." Cremating an unembalmed body (or burying it in real dirt) would seem obviously less costly and more eco-friendly. But more significant, according to advocates, home after-death care is also more meaningful for the living.

I wasn't sure exactly why that would be, but Sarah, her sisters and their mother were intrigued. Bob, her dad (he was the left-wing journalist), had brain cancer and was nearing the end. In hospice care at his home in Maine near our own, he wasn't able to participate in the conversations about his funeral, but earlier he had made it clear that he didn't want a lot of money spent on it.

Sarah hooked up with a local support group for home after-death care. We watched a documentary film called A Family Undertaking, which profiles several home funerals around the country. I was especially moved by the South Dakota ranch family preparing for the death of their 90-year-old patriarch, probably because they did not fit my preconception of home-funeral devotees as granola-crunching Berkeley grads.

So a few weeks before Bob died, my 15-year-old son, Harper, and I made a coffin out of plywood and deck screws from Home Depot. I know that sounds cheesy, but it was nice hardwood veneer, and we applied a veneer edging for a finished look. I could have followed any number of plans from the Internet, but in the end I decided to wing it with my own design. We routed rabbet joints for a tight construction.

"I guess we wouldn't want him falling out the bottom," Harper said.

"That would reflect poorly on our carpentry skills," I agreed.

We rubbed linseed oil into the wood for a deep burnish, then, as a final touch, made a cross of cherry for the lid. Total cost: $90.98.

Sarah learned that Maine does not require embalming—a recognition that under normal circumstances human remains do not pose a public health risk (nor do they deteriorate visibly) for a few days after death.

When Bob died, on a cold evening in late November, Sarah, her sister Holly and I gently washed his body with warm water and lavender oil as it lay on the portable hospital bed in the living room. (Anointing a body with aromatic oils, which moisten the skin and provide a calming atmosphere for the living, is an ancient tradition.) I had been to plenty of funerals and seen many a body in the casket, but this was the first time I was expected to handle one. I wasn't eager to do so, but after a few minutes it seemed like second nature. His skin remained warm for a long time—maybe an hour—then gradually cooled and turned pale as the blood settled. While Holly and I washed his feet, Sarah trimmed his fingernails. (No, they don't keep growing after death, but they were too long.) We had to tie his jaw shut with a bandanna for several hours until rigor mortis set in, so his mouth would not be frozen open; the bandanna made him look like he had a toothache.

We worked quietly and deliberately, partly because it was all new to us but mainly out of a deep sense of purpose. Our work offered the chance to reflect on the fact that he was really gone. It wasn't Bob, just his body.

Bob's widow, Annabelle, a stoic New Englander, stayed in the kitchen during most of these preparations, but at some point she came in and held his hands. Soon she was comfortable lifting his arms and marveling at the soft stillness of her husband's flesh. "Forty-four years with this man," she said quietly.

Later that night, with the help of a neighbor, we wrestled the coffin into the living room, filled it with cedar chips from the pet store and added several freezer packs to keep things cool. Then we lined it with a blanket and lay Bob inside. Movies always show bodies getting casually lifted like a 50-pound sack of grain; in real life (or death?), it strained four of us to move him.

The next night we held a vigil. Dozens of friends and family trailed through the living room to view Bob, surrounded by candles and flowers. He looked unquestionably dead, but he looked beautiful. Harper and I received many compliments on our coffin. Later, when the wine flowed and the kitchen rang with laughter and Bob was alone again, I went in to see him. I held his cool hands and remembered how, not so long ago, those hands were tying fishing lures, strumming a banjo, splitting wood. Those days were over, and that made me sad, but it also felt OK.

We did have to engage a few experts. Although Maine allows backyard burials (subject to local zoning), Bob had requested cremation. A crematorium two hours away was sympathetic to home after-death care. The director offered to do the job for just $350, provided we delivered the body.

That entailed a daylong paper chase. The state of Maine frowns on citizens driving dead bodies around willy-nilly, so a Permit for Disposition of Human Remains is required. To get that, you need a death certificate signed by the medical examiner or, in Bob's case in a small town, the last doctor to treat him. Death certificates, in theory at least, are issued by the government and available at any town office. But when Sarah called the clerk she was told, "You get that from the funeral home."

"There is no funeral home," she replied.

"There's always a funeral home," said the clerk.

Sarah drove to the town office, and after a lot of searching, the clerk turned up an outdated form. The clerk at the next town over eventually found the proper one. Then Sarah had to track down her family doctor to sign it. We had a firm appointment at the crematorium (burning takes up to five hours, we learned), and time was running out. But finally we managed to satisfy the bureaucracy and load Bob's coffin into the back of my pickup truck for an on-time delivery. His ashes, in an urn made by an artist friend, were still warm as Sarah wrote the check. We planned to scatter them over the Atlantic later.

Then my dad died—suddenly, a thousand miles away, in Michigan. He lived alone, far from his three sons, who are spread from coast to coast. Home after-death care was out of the question; even if logistics had allowed it, my father had planned his funeral down to the clothes he would wear in his coffin and the music to be played at the service (Frank Sinatra's "I'll Be Seeing You"). We sat down with the funeral-home director (a nice man, also chosen by my dad) in a conference room where Kleenex boxes were strategically positioned every few feet, and went over the list of services ($4,295 in Dad's case) and merchandise. We picked a powder-coated metal coffin that we thought Dad would have liked; happily, it was also priced at the lower end of the range ($2,595). He had already received a plot free from the town. The total cost was $11,287.83, including cemetery charges and various church fees.

I was sad that I hadn't arrived in Michigan to see him before he died; we never said goodbye. "I'd like to see my father," I told the funeral director.

"Oh, you don't want to see him now," he replied. "He hasn't been embalmed."

"Actually, that's precisely why I'd like to see him."

He cleared his throat. "You know there was an autopsy." My father's death, technically due to cardiac arrest, had happened so quickly that the hospital wanted to understand why. "A full cranial autopsy," he added.

Well, he had me there. I relented. Then I told him the story of Sarah's father—the homemade coffin, the bandanna around the jaw—and his own jaw dropped lower and lower.

"That would be illegal in Michigan," he said.

In fact, do-it-yourself burials without embalming are possible in Michigan as long as a licensed funeral director supervises the process. I don't think he was lying, just misinformed.

The next day I got to see my dad, embalmed and made up, with rosy cheeks and bright red lips. Clearly an attempt had been made to replicate his appearance in life, but he looked more like a wax museum figure. I touched his face, and it was as hard as a candle. Sarah and I exchanged knowing glances. Later she said to me, "Why do we try to make dead people look alive?"

On a frigid December day, we lowered Dad's coffin into the ground—or, more accurately, into a concrete vault ($895) set in the ground. It is not easy for me to say this, but here I must report with embarrassment that in life my father had his own personal logo—a stylized line drawing of his face and his trademark oversize spectacles. It appeared on his stationery, his monogrammed windbreakers, even a flag. In accord with his wishes, the logo was engraved on his tombstone. Beneath were the words "I'll Be Seeing You."

It was different, the funeral director acknowledged, yet not as different as my father-in-law's passage. Home after-death care is not for everyone or every situation, but there is a middle ground. Before my dad's church service, the funeral director confided to me that he was exhausted: "I got a call at midnight to pick up a body in Holland," a town 30 miles away. That night had brought a major snowstorm.

"You drove through that storm in the middle of the night to get a body?" I asked.

He shrugged, explaining that more people these days are dying at home, and when they die, the family wants the body removed immediately. "Usually they call 911," he said.

It occurred to me that if more Americans spent more time with their dead—at least until the next morning—they would come away with a new respect for life, and possibly a larger view of the world. After Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto was assassinated, I saw a clip of her funeral. They had put her in a simple wooden coffin. "Hey," I said to my son, "we could have built that."

Max Alexander used to edit for Variety and People. He is writing a book about Africa.


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Comments (57)

I've read a lot of articles on home funerals and I've got to say that this is the best I've ever read. Thank you Max.

Posted by Heather on July 2,2012 | 12:58 PM

My beloved spouse is terminally ill and has left his instructions simply....do what ever helps you cope, I will be just an empty shell. I will be having a at home funeral. In Florida there is no laws that I know of, but any informatoion will help. I want to make sure I respect him all the way until he is cremated as he has respected me all these years. Your article makes me pull up my boot straps a little tighter....Thank you,

Posted by Lena on May 3,2012 | 12:26 PM

Thank you for your courtesy. My mother is 90 and one of these days, The inevitable will happen and I dread the day and I heard on radio about info as this which you are recommending; I want to know if they alliw burial in our property in the city of Oklahoma, Oklahoma State. Also, where can one get a simple and nice coffin in advance to have it ready for such a tim when needed? Thank you, and God Bless ys all, in Jesus' Name, amen

Posted by Arlenice Carbajal on January 15,2012 | 01:51 AM

thankyou for your article. my 'Pa' (grandad) died a couple of weeks ago in hospital. I just cried the whole way through your article. The funeral home made the body available for 'viewing', but I didnt go. Even though i was in the room when he died, i still wanted to see him one last time, but the idea of having to go and basically ask permission put me off. The funeral director is a family friend, and did a great job, i think a lot of the behaviours around funerals are just cultural, social and fashionable and eventually, the cycle will come around again.

Posted by Coralie on September 1,2011 | 06:59 AM

This is so tender and beautiful, thank you. I laughed and cried while reading it.

Posted by Lisa Boisvert Mackenzie on July 14,2011 | 08:18 AM

Wow I have allways wounderd if I could have a funeral at home Im so glad for this information thank you for sharing

Posted by Margaret Zavoral Jr on June 15,2011 | 04:15 AM

I love your story. I, too, wanted to do as much as possible for my husband when he died at home (Parkinson's Plus). I did a lot of research ahead of time-found a wonderful funeral home that helped me with the plans. We made our own pine box and had it waiting on the back porch. As we are in Arizona and would have to wait until all family could fly in, I finally relented and agreed to embalming. But the beautiful funeral director made a home visit while he was alive-I wanted her to see him. We have a huge bluegrass band of children and so they were around all the time. The hospital bed in the living room (15 months) and everyone being part of the process of care. He quietly died, I sat with him, children came and sat with him. It was Super Bowl Sunday so finally the two women came and picked him up and we all sang and touched and cried a little.

Then the box was moved inside and everyone wrote messages with large Sharpie markers. How wonderful that was! We took the box to the funeral home. They put him in the box and brought him back. We had a huge party and potluck in our small home-a few words from me, the Lord's prayer. People loved the box, how he looked in his Air Force uniform-still fitting 40 years after retirement.

I wanted to do everything ourselves, but as in the article by Max, the transportation was just too difficult. But we nixed the hearse; the funeral home drove him in a small van. Full military honors at the Arizona National Cemetery. Since we had saved so much money on everything, I had "party favors" made for everyone-Tee shirts with his picture, etc. People-children and adults-love them.

People loved what we did-so relaxed and sweet. One common statement: "Is this legal?" I thought that was funny, except people really have been kept in the dark.

Posted by Anni Beach on May 7,2010 | 01:11 AM

I first read this article when it came out in March, 2009. Here we are a year later already, and I am still thinking about it talking about it to whomever will listen.
I applaud you, and can't thank you enough for sharing such a private and intimate family experience. As I read your essay, I was overwhelmed with emotion and touched by the respect and dignity offered to your father-in-law.
I've always hated the idea of funerals- it's like death, imitating life- all the make-up and fluff is harsh and makes it all seem unreal. I feel as if your experience must have been much more healing and healthy way to grieve.

Again, thank you!

Posted by Julie Evans on February 23,2010 | 10:04 PM

Undertaken With Love, the project aimed at increasing awareness of the family's right to care for its own dead until burial or cremation, has a new website URL and blog.

New URL: www.undertakenwithlove.org
New blog: www.undertakenwithlove.blogspot.com

Holly Stevens, project coordinator

Posted by Holly Stevens on January 31,2010 | 02:58 PM

my three cats are my first animal friends as an adult; i added them to my own household myself. human children are an impossibility for me, and i've always seemed a better momma to four-leggers anyway... so these boys are truly my children. i lost my first to kidney failure a year and a half ago, and decided on my own to take him home with me and bury him myself. he's not human, but he was my family. i simply can not have imagined dealing with his loss any other way. i wrote about it then, how natural and healing it felt when i sat with his body and his two cat-brothers all day, quietly, and felt his body grow cold. myself and a friend buried him ourselves on her land.

i saw this article when it was published a bit after that experience, and cried (happy tears) all over again, as i found myself saying 'huzzah!' to each sentiment. i've shared it with friends since then, and i've looked it up again now because another of my boys has been dying of cancer. it is now his time to move on. friends are helping me take him to the vet hospital tomorrow to let him go. other friends have offered him a place on their land, and we've all planned a "going away party" for when we bury him. a jewelry-maker friend of mine is making a locket necklace, so that i may keep a few of his whiskers.

i suppose i write all of this because i agree so completely with how much sense Max's article makes, but i also feel like the same good things come from personally handling the after-death care of ALL of our loved ones, whatever species they may be. i've spent more time in the past ten years with these small furry men than any one person; they are as much a part of my heart as my human family. if you feel similarly about your non-human family, don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't mourn and commemorate them exactly as you wish. they are important, too.

"that would reflect poorly on our carpentry skills" !!! :)

Posted by Domini Dragoone on January 30,2010 | 10:08 PM

Well, now, that was just a darned good article. We are facing my mother's impending passing, and somehow, this article helped. Helped what? I can't really say; it just helped.

Thank you.

Posted by Scott on November 17,2009 | 05:48 PM

The question has always intrigued and haunted me: When was the first funeral service held? At what point in the course of human evolution did our race develop that sense of reverence and awe for "the remains" that turned respectful disposal of the dead a sacred imperative?

Posted by Ray Pinaud on May 3,2009 | 01:43 PM

I'm sorry to hear of your father and father-in-laws deaths. After reading it I had a bad taste in my mouth about funeral homes, as I'm sure many readers had. Again, as they so often are, the funeral home was made out to be an insensitive middle man looking to make money. I'm sorry that you had the experience. There is no doubt that your emotions at this time in your life were running high, as often the case when dealing with death and money. Funeral directors are used to being the target for such critisism, because they represent the loss the family is feeling. It appears in your article you are dealing with your loss like you often deal with things...writing about it. Unfortunatley, your anger towards your father for not incorporating your feelings and what your needs include as a survivor, are directed at the funeral industry. An as you stated that the funeral director was wrong in saying that what you did in Maine would have been illegal in Michigan, was correct on HIS PART. You contradicted in the next yourself by trying to make a back hand comment about his competence. You did not have a funeral director present, thus making it illegal if it were to have taken place in Mich. The health risks involved in home funerals is inexcusibly understated regardless of what people may think.

Posted by Adam Main on April 30,2009 | 02:07 AM

What a beautiful and poignant essay. Thank you.

Posted by Jude B. on April 30,2009 | 03:59 PM

Thank you for your lovely first-hand account. I have done some research on the topic of home funerals and green burial. I plan to be buried in a "green cemetary" on the banks of the Columbia River in my home state of Washington. No embalming, no casket, no concrete liner. I hope my loved ones will honor me by caring for my body, and if they choose to hand me off to "professionals" that is ok too. I believe many in the funeral business are ethical and caring, but, and, we have moved way too far away from dying and death in our culture. Death is the common denominator after all.

Posted by J. Christenson, Seattle on April 30,2009 | 01:40 PM

It's surprising that no one commented on having experienced home funerals/wakes in the past. When I was growing up, there were several in my family. As I grew older the trend was toward funeral homes. It seemed that when the corpse was kept at home, when the funeral at church was over, family resumed activities and had some closure. Having had the body in the house for one or more often two nights, seemed to play out the grieving process and enable the family to move on. The preparing the body in my family was done by the funeral director, but sounds therapeutic when done by the family. I have often thought I'd like to have my own coffin built and in the ready. It seems much more sensible than paying for a coffin at a funeral home.

Posted by P. Mongiello on April 28,2009 | 11:24 PM

When my best friend died, while I was living in Thailand, my wife and I were asked to sponsor the funeral. It was very hands on and all well done by our friends in the village, and at the end of the day, the entire cost was roughly 7000 baht, which at that time, was around $200 USD. Thank you for the article. It refreshed cherished memories of a wonderful time in our lives.

Posted by Daemon on April 28,2009 | 07:15 AM

Great article. Thank you. It is so important for people to know how meaningful and healing it can be to care for your own dead.

Posted by Laurie Powsner on April 27,2009 | 09:37 PM

how many of us have said just one more day is all i want. well when my little boy died i was blessed with a kind funeral home who knew the pain of losing a child and allowed us to do what we wanted just that one more day with our child two days after our child died he was brought to our home where he lay in his bed surrounded by his toys in his room it was wonderful his family and friends were able to say private goodbyes say what they couldnt in the sterile enviroment of a funeral home not confined by an hour or two we had 48 more hours with our child in a relaxed enviroment we had two one conventional one home and i prefer the home while its not for everyone for me and our family it helped us say goodbye to our child and helped start the grieving process you can see pics of his homefuneral on youtube or myspace its wonderful not at all creepy or anything just a grief stricken family bringing their child home one last time kim mom to terran terranstransplant.com

Posted by kim Robinstein on April 27,2009 | 02:47 PM

I live in Vermont, which apparently is the most enlightened state as regards home burial. As I have 10+ acres of pasture, I hope to be buried here at home. My coffin is already constructed and standing upright in my library, with shelves screwed in now, holding books! the shelves will be easily removed when the time comes, and a lid screwed on. My boys will probably use my lawn tractor to haul me up to my chosen site on the hill, and dig a hole by hand. I'm not looking forward to the whole process.... but (other than the preparations which I've already made) I don't need to!

Posted by David Montague on April 27,2009 | 09:26 AM

Thank you for the article.
Myself and two incredible women recently laid a dear friend of 23 years out in her home for three days. We prepared her, dressed her and provided a calm atmosphere for family and friends to pay their respects,laugh, cry, sing, tell stories and chat. The coffin was handmade, she looked more like a queen after we laid a ring of roses around her head on the fourth day. She was cremated on the fourth day and her ashes were spread on her land. Ashes to ashes,A powerful experience. Home death the polar experience to home birth they all come different but what a great way to enter and exit the world then near the ones who love you best

Posted by cassandra corcoran on April 18,2009 | 11:17 PM

I am so touched by this article! Thank you Max and Sarah for being willing to share such personal and poignant details of such a loving sendoff. Thank you Smithsonian for printing this to share with your wide and diverse readership. I have a small business which supports home/family funerals & green burials. I make burial and cremation shrouds.(Think of it as a ceremonial wrapping for the body of someone we love who has died). I am an artist and I like being able to offer ways for people to bring beauty and creativity to honor a person's life and death. I have also been trained as a 'home funeral guide'. I appreciate your willingness and 'moxie' to make your way through the process, and to move forward through the innocent ignorance of the people 'in charge' of the paperwork. This is often the case...that the folks in the agencies or even legislature- or sometimes even funeral directors themselves simply aren't aware of the laws...only their own beliefs and preconceptions. We just need to educate ourselves, and then speak up for our rights and preferences.

I was pleased to read the post about the funeral guidebook available online. I too formed a group in my community --modeled after the jewish burial societies. We met and educated ourselves and committed to being there for one another at the time of each of our deaths. ---To help the family and to see to it that our wishes for a home funeral were carried out. We grew a lot in the process...which is the point, for me. I think we are missing a great opportunity for spiritual growth these days. I think there is some mystery occurring between death and "disposition" of the body (burial or cremation), and that when a body is whisked away quickly, we give up our access to that mystery and the gifts and lessons it might offer to us.

It's a gift to read the comments on this article. I look forward to returning to it.

Sincerely,
Marian Spadone
www.afinefarewell.com

Posted by Marian Spadone on April 14,2009 | 02:19 AM

What a wonderful and informative article. It is unfortunate that the conventional funeral industry is currently trying to eliminate any competition or loss of control over after-death care, by silencing those who educate and assist families. Currently there are laws that will make it difficult for families to care for their loved-ones in Oregon and Colorado. Thank you.

Posted by Janie Malloy on April 8,2009 | 03:52 AM

This is great information! After reading it, I started a discussion on this topic with my Sustainability Group. -- Thank you!

Posted by ninamo on April 7,2009 | 03:41 PM

Thank you Max. I just read your essay and it comes at an opportune time. My Mother just passed in Michigan, not far from your father I believe. After my father passed 26 years ago, she took matters into her own hands and pre-paid her funeral. We were aghast at the funeral home's charges in 1983. He was cremated, we took possession of his ashes and the service was held at Church. Without itemization we had to meekly pay their bill. Mother wasn't going for that! She pre-paid a funeral much like Daddy's. No viewing, nothing at the funeral home, just a fond service- during a Michigan blizzard, much laughter and many friends at her Church and in her hometown of more than 40 years. We again have her ashes and we will have our own "service" when we spread them in nature. Thank you again.

Posted by Nancy Gaynor on April 3,2009 | 10:56 PM

You captured and expressed a very personal experience in an accessible way - not an easy thing to achieve. I had a similar experience; and, even though I lost my closest friend, that time with her has a warmth to it that is with me every day. It would be valuable to provide more people with access to your article, e.g., published as a pamphlet and circulated among doctor's offices, hosptials, hospice, etc... thank you for your words

Posted by tm on March 29,2009 | 02:37 PM

This article reminds me of an article in the style of Martha Stewart, with suggestions of novel activities for those gathered to honor the memory of a loved one: Order by Overnight shipping an assemble-it-yourself coffin, and let everyone take part Have acrylic paint & brushes (in a rainbow of colors) on hand for everyone to share in "decorating" said coffin; perhaps with graffiti or a personalized poem, or even little illustrations in charachitures or scenes of happy memories.....be sure to turn the children loose on this, too Everyone share in dressing & grooming (hair style, makeup,) even in costume (make it fun!) for the departed. Why not invite the acting lawyer to read the will? And to make this exciting, each guest can submit prior to this his best guess as to inheritances, with a prize for the winner? As for "last words" or Eulogy, have it be in rhyme ala Mother Goose......

Posted by la manley on March 27,2009 | 01:46 AM

In November of '07 my precious mother passed. Her godsons made her coffin...and the extended (family) ladies lined her coffin with lace material that my sister and I chose from Wal Mart.
Thankfully my Orthodox upbringing do not believe in cremation. The process is beautiful, somber, yet so very meaningful and spiritual, as well as the memorial service. This is the way that my husband have decided we will be buried. God bless you for sharing!

Posted by Nellie on March 26,2009 | 02:12 AM

Indeed, a moving story, stoic and heart wrenching as well. Yet revealing and what an eye opener.No sensationalism. Having gone through these events both for my Dad and Mom and handling all the arrangements on my own, being an only child was a traumatic experience. Not all undertakers are thoughtfull, some are downright money grabbers and prey on our emotionally unbalanced mind to take advantage of us.

Nevertheless, we are witness to a changing society. Where values are more akind to humanity than to get it done with Duedecorum approach, keeping with the Joneses etc..

In Europe home funerals were the norm, nowadays, funeral homes away from the house is fashionable. Bizarre the way the pendulum swings from one society to another.

Congratulation for the Smithsonian for bringing us this remarcable article. Moving and tender, revealing and sublte.

Posted by John on March 26,2009 | 04:35 PM

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful private time. My Mother died in the '80s before her death I helped the nurse apply lotion to her body. She left us later that night. When the funeral home called to say she was ready for 'viewing (how cold) I went alone pulled up a chair and took her hand the best I could,in mine and had a last talk with her. Many tears -- someone from the funeral home closed the door. In June, my only daughter aged 44 who had been ill called. A very brief conversation she was so week. The next morning I woke at 2 am and could not go back to sleep. Her husband called and said she had left at the time I woke. We all missed so much in not having them at home and taking care of them ourselves. I am so happy you and yours had that and shared it with us. God bless and keep you.

Posted by Sue Dodson on March 26,2009 | 04:23 PM

Thank you for sharing. My 31 yr old daughter has a terminal disease FTDP-17. We are looking for options as she wants a burial/wake and has no life insurance. We have a beautiful large yard where her wedding rehersal dinner was held in large tents. Depending on the weather, a wake in the yard with wine and cheese is so like my child. I will be looking into this. My hubby is a woodworker and I am a seamtress so we could make the coffin with no problem. I think that would be a wonderful loving thing to do for our daughter.

Posted by Joy C on March 21,2009 | 05:12 PM

This is a great article, usually I find it hard to get drawn in by articles but this one drew me in immediately just from the title. Being oddly fascinated with death (I'd like someday to go to Mortuary school) and being from Maine as well I felt this was very informative. I know when the time comes for my parents it will be difficult to afford to have proper services for them since none of us have much if any savings or life insurance. When my Grandmother passed away 4 years ago I helped my Mother with the planning and was shocked at how expensive it was to give someone a respectable funeral.

I feel in doing a Home funeral (as disturbing as it may be for some - surely my sister wouldn't be helping if we were to choose this route) it brings you closer to the deceased, as you are preparing them you remember things you may not have thought about if you just had someone else handle it. It also brings a little more dignity to the person in some cases - you really never know what could be going on in the prep rooms of Funeral homes.

As soon as I read this I called my Mom and told her about this and where we live on the "country" side of Bangor I imagine that the zoning would be allowable. Also my Father has a wood working workshop in their basement. I told her roughly how much the home funeral cost and she was amazed by it. Although I was partially joking about it when I first brought it up, I think I will discuss it with them some more in the future - I'm sure my Father wouldn't mind, we can bury him next to his beloved dog! Which brings me to my next thought. We have just buried our pets in our back yards for who knows how long & even so, when animals (even humans occasionally) die in nature, they stay where they dropped!

Thank you Max for telling your story and providing so much information!! Its disgusting how much funeral homes charge just to make someone appear to be alive just long enough to put them back into the earth that we came from!!

Posted by Rebecca Babcock on March 20,2009 | 06:30 PM

Great article, it was very interesting. I am from a village in rural Alaska and have helped with aspects of many funerals over the years, at least 20 and I'm sure that number is actually higher. We have no funeral homes in the villages. If a body must be autopsied (e.g. SIDS cases, suspicious deaths), it is sent to Anchorage. Villagers may often handle an entire funeral by themselves. Cleaning/washing a body, dressing it (often with a combination of new clothes and traditional Alaska Native boots and mitts or gloves), making the wooden coffin and lining it with nice fabric and trim, holding a wake where the body is never left alone, service, burial and then a community wide food potlatch honoring the deceased. It's not an easy task but I am honored to be able to help when a family is in need when there is a death.

Posted by Patricia on March 16,2009 | 12:26 AM

What a beautiful story! That's the way I want to go, like Sarah's dad. It has always eaten me up the way people get taken advantage of by funeral homes. Saving for YEARS to be buried? It's true--they make you think how much money you spend equals how much you loved the person. Who's going to question the price when they're heartbroken? (Well, what can you expect?--they're a business like any other.) And the funerals are never nice. They're more like scary movies. We need to get over the death phobia. It's not worth the cost financially or emotionally. And while I'm on the subject. The florist. $85.00 for a small arrangement that costs $30 for other occasions? In lieu of flowers, I hope my friends go out to lunch or take a walk in the woods. www.GreenerPastures--ACityGirlGoesCountry.blogspot.com

Posted by Debi Kelly Van Cleave on March 16,2009 | 07:35 AM

Interesting reading. My whole perspective of death and the funeral business comes from growing up living above my father's business--a funeral home. As a young man, my Dad took over the business in an unincorporated community where he was raised and still is a part of today. While my folks got into the business, my three siblings and I (now in our 40s) grew up with death being a natural and unavoidable part of life. You work, play, laugh, cry but always you go on--life waits for no one. The further we move away from our agricultural roots, the more insulated people have become from having to even acknowledge death as a part of the complete life cycle. In our mobile society, families are spread out across the country. Often families only gather for two events: weddings and funerals. Both are celebrations of life; funerals are for the living not the dead. Aids and other blood-borne diseases, the effects of trauma resulting in death, organ donation and autopsies are a few of the physical factors in determining the type of funeral as well as what are the emotional needs of the family (ie. Do they need to see the body in order to start the closure process?). Embalming and body presentation are part science and part restorative art. The ultimate "art" is having a corpse look natural and most importantly, at peace. There are indeed "masters" of this particular science/art though from all I've seen it tends to be from "the old school" morticians (retirement age >60 yrs. old). The large-city trend of big corporations buying out the mom and pop businesses is esculating and they are pouncing when people are at their most vulnerable. They are not a part of the community fiber; it is just business. So it pays (both economically & emotionally) to plan ahead. There is nothing worse than an "ugly" funeral where members of the immediate family are feuding especially when no verbal or written wishes of the deceased are known.

Posted by K. Nickel on March 12,2009 | 12:56 PM

Hi Max,

I loved your article and I really enjoyed the responses from other readers. It makes me more certain than ever that I've spent the past 15 years of my life promoting something worth believing in. I am a funeral director and I've been in the funeral business for 27 years. We operate a family owned business in Oregon and our specialty is assisting families with simple, low cost arrangements and supporting families that choose to hold their own funerals and memorials. I realized very early in my career that the funeral business, as most Americans know it, was invented by the industry itself. I firmly believe that the funeral industry has forced society to meet its every demand for much of the past century. I have focused my career on developing a business model that is designed to survive on successfully meeting the needs of society. After many years of hard work and sharing this message, I'm proud to say my family now operates seven locations and we expect to serve nearly 2,000 families this year. That's 2,000 families that are getting exactly what they desire, without the high cost of a traditional funeral home. Please understand, even at this, there is a cost to operating our business. We have a substantial investment in our privately owned cremation facility, transport vehicles, conservative offices and the list goes on.

I guess I'd like to say, there are options for people. It doesn't have to be one or the other, an outrageously priced funeral home OR a home funeral with no professional assistance. Either concept may be intimidating or overwhelming to many. I suggest that people identify what they desire and explore those options. They probably will not end up at the funeral home that, "Our family always uses!"

If you'd like, visit our website: www.anewtradition.com

Randy

Posted by Randy Tjaden on March 11,2009 | 01:35 AM

We have a saying in my home country that "Its more expensive to die compare with alive people". I can relate, thats why I want to prepare for my own death so theres no much headache for my family (financially) Im now paying my funeral and cemetery, its quite expensive and I have to pay it slowly for 5yrs.

Posted by dawn on March 11,2009 | 03:27 AM

I am an Orthodox Christian so I am familar with being prepared by loved ones and buried without embalming. This essay is so second nature for me that it never occured to me how hungry people are for alternatives to current funeral business practices. Mr. Alexander, Thank you so much for such a contemplative piece. Bless you.

Posted by L. St.Godard on March 10,2009 | 04:24 PM

This is a wonderful article! Thanks, Max, for showing us that there are alternatives to the high cost of funerals and the death industry. I was out of state when my father died, but was in charge of the estate. My poor brother had to deal with the funeral home. Dad wanted to be cremated, so no issue there, until my brother called me, saying the funeral home had offered us 6 mini-urns (so we could all have a part of Dad's remains) for ONLY $240! I went to the local import store and got some nice little containers for about $3 a piece! Luckily, we had more than one person involved with the decision-making, so my brother couldn't be preyed upon by the funeral directors that I felt were looking to pad the bill! While I agree that some providers did get into the business to help families, I'm afraid that some of them only see dollar signs when grieving people come in to bury their family member ("You only want the best for your loved one, don't you?"). Or maybe I'm just jaded.......

Posted by Terri Chapin on March 10,2009 | 11:24 AM

Thank you for the article. When my brother-in-law and my mother passed away we had them at home for a few days after embalming was done.My sisters and I took turns sitting up with them. We had small children and the children had questions that needed to be answered. This was a good way for them to get time to understand that Grandma wasn't going to sleep with them any more. That Grandma and Uncle had a new bed and would be living with Jesus from now on. This was in North Dakota. I don't know if this state or Alaska (where I live.) has a law for after death home care. I never heard of this before but I think it is a good thing. Embalming started because, as I understand, that people were getting buried alive. My mother told me she was at a funeral for a 4 year old and during the service the girl sat up in the casket. I would like more information about home services if anyone knows about a book or a place I might get in touch with please let me know. My email is mhdean@gci.net

Posted by marlene h Dean on March 9,2009 | 10:52 PM

Along with all the praise and admiration already expressed by other readers, I would like to applaud the active engagement of your son in the preparations for your father-in-law's disposition. What a tender way to bond generations, and what a powerful experience for Harper. Thank you again for sharing your story.

Posted by T. Saveliff on March 7,2009 | 10:57 PM

I am still a bit shaken by reading the article and the comments above. My wife and I have committed to cremation but had not considered home funeral. The idea is so appealing as to stir me to research it for ourselves. Wonderful, you have moved us and that is the real blessing of your experiences...impacting others. Thank you.

Posted by Kenneth Klinger on March 7,2009 | 09:24 PM

I hope I can have the at home type, but when the party starts just put down the lid and serve the wine on top. I like a party. If it is legal bury we out back with the dogs! Kurt in Illinois

Posted by kurt martin on March 7,2009 | 05:05 PM

I read with satisfaction about the way you handled yor father inlaws funeral and burial.It seems the funeral Industry plays on the emotions of the family to get more mone out of them.I think 11,000.00 is way to much. I have done one better than that, and at my death my body goes to a research facility there is no cost involved to the family. I am glad some one is trying to remedy high costs of funerals

Posted by A. Michael Weidenbacher on March 6,2009 | 06:52 PM

Another way of keeping funeral costs down is to consider alternatives to paying for newspaper death notices/obituaries. The average cost of a very modest death notification in a newspaper can run $300 or more, depending on word count. More and more, people are establishing tribute pages on sites like Facebook, MySpace or Otrib.com, which are free and allow guestbook comments as well as allowing you to post multiple photos, video, etc.

Posted by Sam on March 6,2009 | 06:20 PM

A lovely piece, that will help spread the movement to home funerals. Thank you. The author describes a situation similar to the experience of our family. My father's death used a funeral home. By the time mom died, we had learned about home funerals. It was a remarkably different, and better experience. Our story is available at http://www.FaithAtWork.com/articles/2006/06-3/TammanyK_06-3.html. Or see www.lastthings.net. Last Things, also in Maine, is an fledgling network of people who teach and help others do their own home funerals. We also have two new natural burial grounds here in the State. This is a movement whose time has come. For more resources, contact the Funeral Consumer's Alliance www.funerals.org, and read Mark Harris' book Grave Matters.

Posted by Klara Tammany on March 5,2009 | 08:52 PM

Would like to include your article on my blogsite. Thanks for a great job. Peter McHugh Pres. Cedar Brook Burial Ground Inc. Limington Maine

Posted by peter mchugh on March 5,2009 | 03:21 PM

Thank you for your unexpected article.I never thought I would see something like it in print and will share it with others. And thank you Dr. Kattlove, I'm still here.

Posted by Nina Postoway on March 3,2009 | 04:27 PM

Check out the Japanese movie, called "Departures", that won the Oscar for best foreign flick. It is all about home after death care.

Posted by Herman Kattlove on March 3,2009 | 03:22 PM

Max, I posted a link to your article from by blog and from my facebook page. Many people have thanked me for alerting me to your essay. This is powerful stuff, and you handled it with grace and wit. Thank you for letting us understand this all more, because of your skills with words.

Posted by Terry Border on March 2,2009 | 10:34 PM

It has been extremely gratifying to see the positive response to my article--here on the Smithsonian website, by email and in person from complete strangers. In response specifically to Holly Stevens and her hope that religious leaders will sanction home death care, I might point out something I only briefly alluded to in the article: my father-in-law Bob also had a traditional Catholic funeral. Notwithstanding specific religious laws (such as the Jewish prohibition against cremation), there is no inherent contradiction between home death care and traditional faith.

Another timely angle to this is the current debate over media coverage of returning coffins from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Clearly much of the debate is political, but I think underlying the issue is deep ambivalence about how we handle our dead. It will probably come as no surprise to readers that in general I believe the coffins should be seen; hiding our dead soldiers from view has the effect of sanitizing combat. Regardless how one feels about the wars, it is my opinion that we should have our eyes wide open about what exactly happens when we commit to military solutions. This needs to be balanced with individual privacy concerns, so clearly there is room for debate. I would be interested to hear from any military families who have carried out, or are contemplating, versions of home death care.

Posted by Max Alexander on March 2,2009 | 10:49 AM

I, in my 20s, have never considered home after-death care. It seems so much more appropriate, and a much better decision. Thanks for the essay.

Posted by Cole on February 28,2009 | 06:01 PM

Thank you, it was refreshing to read just how beautiful it is to take care of those we love in life and death.

Posted by Lisa Hotovy on February 27,2009 | 10:06 PM

Thanks for making the mystery of "natural deathcare" a little more fathomable.

Posted by Laurie Mulvey on February 26,2009 | 09:14 PM

What a beautiful, thoughtful essay. Thank you.

Posted by Genevieve Rajewski on February 25,2009 | 07:33 PM

Thank you very much for making this abailable to the general public. There is a group of Michiganians working to get the Michigan laws changed so that we can more easily have the kind of funerals here that are availabel in most of the other states. Thank you again, Nancy Carpenter, Detroit, Michigan

Posted by Nancy Carpenter on February 25,2009 | 04:10 PM

How wonderful to see the growth of the home funeral movement, both in practice and the media! Having something physical to do takes away the sense of helplessness. Those of us who have done so can't imagine any other way.

Posted by Lisa Carlson on February 24,2009 | 09:29 PM

Thanks Max, your article is a great service. Harry Kroyer Magdalena, NM

Posted by Harry Kroyer on February 24,2009 | 08:38 PM

What a bittersweet accounting of two funerals, all the more moving because they nearly coincided in time, yet had vastly differing outcomes.

The etiquette of American funeral practices since the dawn of the 20th century has been shaped more by the commercial funeral industry than by social communities such as faith communities and neighbors. No wonder that the myths that surround death care serve commercial interests, e.g., that the more one spends on final arrangements, the more respect one shows the deceased. I do believe that most licensed funeral providers enter the trade at least in part from a desire to serve grieving families, but it is a culture that basically enables death phobia.

If home funerals are ever to move into the mainstream again, just as cremations now are considered mainstream, our religious leaders and congregations will have a role to play in giving "permission" for families to provide their own care until burial or cremation. "Undertaken With Love: A Home Funeral Guide for Congregations and Communities" was written by a volunteer group of home funeral advocates across the country to guide a congregational or other social committee through the process of learning what is involved in home funerals and creating an ongoing committee to provide consistency and acquired wisdom for noninvasive, gentle, home-based care of the body after death. If anyone is interested they can learn more at www.homefuneralmanual.org where the book is available as a free PDF download.

Thanks for this lovely account -- telling these stories publicly also helps change our culture of death care!

Posted by Holly Stevens on February 24,2009 | 08:15 PM



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